Community-Less
This feels like a big word, community. Growing up, I didn’t feel like it was something that was stressed or sought. Perhaps it was the feeling that it assembled by default and without much work. A community was who you surrounded yourself with because of situational needs or some other happenstance. Moreover, community was something that came together based on socioeconomic status and position in the world, creating connections that were a product of the life one could afford and bought into. I could very well be wrong of how I interpreted my early years and the way in which I came to understand community. Nevertheless, I feel more and more many individuals are struggling to build the enriching and supportive community that our species craves. There is endless discussion about the toxic nature of social networks, the alienating byproduct of technology and the prevalence of remote work that is further isolating individuals. And I am inclined to believe and validate all of these insights. What causes me greater concern is the lack of community we deliberately create within our lives. Have you taken time to ask yourself about the people you have surrounded yourself with? When feeling detached and lonely, what are the first questions you ask yourself about what you need? Have you asked what qualities you really appreciate in friends, companions and connections? Do you honor this insight and seek out individuals with these qualities? How well do you nourish and cultivate long-lasting relationships? Do you place the energy needed into maintaining meaningful connections with others? As I reflect on my own life, I can honestly say “no, I do none of these things.” My community was initially created by my parents who placed individuals and children around me based on their goals/needs/desires. From here, the individuals I met in school and, by default, spent more time with, built my community. This too felt fabricated, happenstantial and without deliberation. Eventually community became my professional relationships and the relationships cultivated by my spouse that occupied my social life. Throughout this time, I have made lasting friendsships that have provided a great deal of joy and contentment in my life, but this activity and development has not been in a way that felt like a priority or even a necessity. I have not worked in a deliberate and mindful manner in A) understanding the qualities I find important and valuable in a companion/connection and B) seeking out these relationships and entering the uncomfortable spaces of initiating connections and C) applying the care and attention needed to foster and grow connections into deeply meaningful relationships.
I would call mine laziness but I feel that let’s me off too easily. I’ve thought about it potentially being discomfort putting me off, but I do many uncomfortable things each day and still push through. Fear? Eh, not sure of what. Time? I always believe I have too little to invest but that is simply due to investing it poorly, which is another topic. The more and more I think about it, it feels like I shy away because of my patterns. Have grown accustomed to my pattern, which does not include conscious fostering and nurturing of community. Leaving this pattern takes mindful awareness that I am just now coming into. While I don’t want this blog to be all about me, it feels this is a sentiment that many are experiencing. With the ease so much of the modern life affords, we are falling into patterns that are further removing us from a sense of community that was deliberately and beautifully built to meet our pro-social animal needs. I often hear I feel: disconnected, alone, lonely, unsupported, invalidated, unheard, purposeless, aimless, scattered and isolated. To address many of these unwanted feelings, it would appear a good place to start is meaningful connection. So how? Not sure…
However, maybe you can begin here:
-What are the qualities you find nourishing in the deepest connections you have?
-What energizes you when around those you’re deeply connected to?
-Think of your deepest connection, where do you first go when thinking about the nature of this relationship?
-When you’re most lonely, what are you truly craving?
-If you could pick a song to be reborn to, what would it be and why?
These are just a few thoughts to get you started, the goal is self-reflection and awareness. The last question I developed as a way to bring another perspective to the way you conceptualize yourself, which may in turn shed light on things you value (in others or the world)-I will get to this question in my next post. I hope you seek and build the community that will provide the support and nourishment that many of us are aching for in a time when we could not be more connectedly disconnected.
